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The Word I Fear Most

Do you have a word that huyou dread to hear? Do you have to face and encounter it daily? I do and those who are in similar situations to mine have and that word is “Tomorrow”. Probably most people at the end of their day sigh with relief that one more day is done and tomorrow brings you a step closers to that long awaited day off or pay day so food, shelter, transportation or the ability to invest in a hobby that brings you joy. There are those though that at the end of the day to think of tomorrow creates a daily groundhog effect of fear and a daily repeat of the same problems, if it was only possible to stop time because I managed to eat today, I finally showered, maybe it didn’t rain and my clothes are dry, that I managed to make it through the day is a success, but tomorrow whatever positive points I managed to gain get reset back to zero.

I am ashamed of how I use to view people who are homeless and I should have known better. I have some religious training having worked for a church for a number of years. I even created & organized a regular event that fed people in my situation. I am aware I shouldn’t beat myself up to much, the information society threw at me & others tell us that a majority of people who are homeless are suffering from mental issues, addiction or both. That may be true, but these people aren’t a number, they are unique individuals each with a story.

History is informative, not determinative.

I remember sitting in a restaurant just COVID lockdown was starting to occur and there was what we would call a “bag lady” sitting in a both with all she owned in the world I am guessing, rocking back and forth talking to herself. I over heard the people in the both next to laughing telling each other to take a look at the crazy drunk, drugged out lady over there. Now its possible she was, but maybe she wasn’t. I have encountered people who were homeless suffering from mental issues because there spouse beat the crap out of them & the only escape option they knew available to them was to give up what they had & become homeless on the streets to hide from their spouse.  I’ve encounter personally several things, stopping outside a store front to count my money to have the clerk come out and tell me not stand by the door. It caught me off guard, that I had something done to me that i’d done to others, not referencing a person loitering outside which is perfectly reasonable to ask someone to move along.

I’ve encounter several others like myself who have ended up homeless do to a perfect storm of events that if it didn’t  happen to myself I’d have thought them lying. Its a world of constant stress, fear, mistrust & so much more. Its safe to be in groups so no harm comes to yourself, at the same time being around people who are also lacking one must constantly keep an eye the things they own. A simple pair of socks are extremely valuable. Will I get caught in the rain today soaking everything I own? Once its soaked i may lose it all to mildew & mold. I better not eat all 6 of my peanut butter crackers or drink all my water, since I have no cupboard stored up with extra snacks if I get hungry or able to just grab another bottle of water from the frig or turn the knob on the faucet. So many little things I use to take for granted. 

Did I hear you say why don’t you just get a job, I see know hiring signs everywhere? Ah…if it was only that easy. Walk into a store and ask for an application and more than likely you’ll be told they are online. First, filling out a job application from your phone is not optimal, often the online application even states this. Very possible if you have a phone when your homeless that its a government phone, probably only get 1-3 gb of data and that’s extremely easy to use up very fast, your background processes can eat it up fast without you even being aware. More than likely your screen is damaged with cracks and possibly suffered watered damage. Since your constantly juggling all you own in the world it’s easy to drop. Accidently sit down on it, as usually the surfaces we get to sit on aren’t padded. Often you have to navigate with little or no light source. Ok…but I’m lucky..I managed to fill out the app on my phone and a manager calls me asking can I come to an interview tomorrow. I’ve now got to find a way to get clean, not only that you gotta start thinking if I actually get the job, I’ve gotta figure out how to maintain being clean as we all appreciate someone who doesn’t smell working around us right? Oh, crap my clothes. I’ve got to get them clean. Thats $5, detergent, washer/dyer etc. Lets see, transportation will need to figure out the bus schedule and that’s $3. If you get the job, gotta figure out all these things for 2-3 weeks until I get paid. If I don’t get the job that’s money $5-10 dollars that would have fed me for a couple days if I stocked up on cheap junk food. When your homeless buying fresh products means there’s a good chance it will spoil wasting part of it. 

I’m 48 years old. Until last year I had never had a problem finding employment. I’ve been in a supervisory position since I was 16. Retail & in food service management is often required to have transportation. Several reasons for this, big is its not safe to walk a bank bag full on money to the bank. Being seen getting off a bus is not a good first impression when applying for management. You say I might just have to suck it up and set my sites lower? If you only knew….So you made $45k last year and now your applying for an $8hr position the interviewing manager ask you. Basically I’ve either been over qualified I’m told or to much a risk as now public transportation isn’t deemed reliable by some because of occupancy limitations. Having been on the other side more often asking the interview questions, I don’t hold anything against managers in either situation I reference.

So all that to get to this…I may have an career opportunity in Dallas, Texas. I have decide to go ahead and move there within the week. This current possibility I feel would be the type of place I could have a career at fullfilling most all the things that cause me to enjoy food service and allow me bring experience that would make me a value to them also. Ultimately though while I hope this improve my chances with this opportunity, I’m doing it to maximize my opportunities to find it somewhere should things not workout. Deciding to do this changes what I feel when I think of tomorrow.  There was a time I thought I’d work for the church the rest of my life. While I didn’t make a lot, I got paid to help people. I don’t regret giving it up to move to Uruguay in South America for a life changing period. This opened up possibilities in my social life . though that I never allowed myself to dream about. I no longer want to dream about them though. There are things I want and experiences to be had & I am not going to wait for them to happen I am going to make them reality. I’ve mentioned before that it’s said people in my situation find it almost impossible unless a person or person’s intervene to help & I am no exception. I hope ultimately to turn your kind charity into an investment long term. I’ve got getting to Dallas figured out. From there I got to remove hurdles.bmy PayPal link is below if anyone feels so moved to.


The above is my PayPal account one may send to for those will to invest in my situation.

Thank You All As Always..

    BE Blessed All,

Jason Fulks

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